From the monthly archives:

August 2010

UPDATED: Empire Avenue Secret Achievements

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 13, 2010 •  7 comments


EDITOR’S NOTE: Updates appear at the end of this post.

Edmonton, Alberta 4:50PM CDTThe Empire Avenue Team announced via twitter this afternoon that ten new make that eleven correction twelve(?!?) 13 new Secret Achievements by Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS himself, 3 new Secret Achievements by Social Engineering Architect Ray Lambe (e)RGL , and who knows how many others by the rest of the team, have been added to Empire Avenue. Official Spokestwitterer @EmpireAve hinted publicly that one Secret Achievement, “The Rudiger” can be discovered by showing some love to everyone’s favorite former Server Room Intern  and newly-minted Marketing Department Employee, Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL.

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Empire Avenue iPhone App Released!

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 11, 2010 •  43 comments

Empire Avenue iPhone AppThe first Empire Avenue iPhone App is finally a reality! The developers,, have received word from Apple that their app, Intense Trader, has been approved and will appear in the AppStore later this week. Intense Trader will sell for $0.99.

IntenseApps has provided THE INFLUENCIER with an advance copy of the app. The tool simplifies many of the routine activities one performs on Empire Avenue and provides a plethora of innovative, customizable alerts, including notifications for rising and falling share prices, share availability and an influencer’s online status. Some features, such as the the ability to automatically sell shares of an influencer who sells shares they own in you, may prove to be controversial. Our in-depth, hands-on review of the app with detailed descriptions of features, flaws and screenshots follows.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: The complete collection of Breaking News Alerts, Updates and Exclusives detailing the SQUIRREL SAGA are tagged squirrel and are archived in THE ATHENAEUM.

Empire Avenue Squirrel SagaEdmonton, Alberta 1:30PM CST – The infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” that has captivated the world’s attention since Friday afternoon has come to a peaceable resolution. Embattled Empire Avenue, Inc. CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, hounded by accusations of of unfair squirrel labor practices, held a mid-morning press conference announcing the conclusion of the crisis, releasing the following statement:

“After discussions with Sir Rudiger, the squirrel infestation is over and he has been given a full-time permanent job with Empire Avenue.”

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BREAKING NEWS: Squirrel To Surrender Soon

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 8, 2010 •  11 comments

BREAKING NEWSEdmonton, Alberta 9:25CST – THE INFLUENCIER has just received word from Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS that Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL will turn himself over to Human Resources sometime tomorrow. A Squirrel Summit has been planned and the outcome of the meeting will be reported through official Empire Avenue channels.

Sir Rudiger Esquirel, IIIIt has been over 24 hours since (e)SQRL has made his presence known publicly. There have been no twitter updates, no changes in his status on his Empire Avenue profile since 3:15PM CST yesterday. There are sporadic reports that his pals are still popping up in various nooks and crannies of the Empire Avenue Online Influence Stock Market from time to time and (e)DUPS has confirmed that there are may be some squirrels still in the system. Reports from shareholders of squirrel spottings have decreased in frequency and it would appear that Empire Avenue Rodent Iradication Personnel have gotten the infestation mostly under control thanks to the help of observant, quick clicking shareholders.

Still, one has to wonder where has Sir Rudiger Esquirel himself gone?

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Edmonton, Alberta 12:56PM CST – For the first time since the crisis began, THE INFLUENCIER has been able to meet rodent rebel and labor leader Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL for an exclusive, face to furry face interview. Other than what we know about (e)SQRL from his LinkedIn Profile, what else might we learn about the pecan plucking playboy? A first-hand account of the conversation with all the details follows below, with (e)SQRL’s quotes emphasized in black and THE INFLUENCIER in blue. Contextual items and editorial comment remain unchanged:

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SQUIRREL UPDATE: Nut Nonsense – Who’s To Blame?

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 5 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 11:27PM CST – As with any major incident of global significance, attention is first focused on the immediacy of the event — the confusion, the casualties, the Corylus maxima. Inevitably, after the initial adrenaline rush subsides and the smoke begins to clear, people start searching for answers. Those in charge begin to wrestle […]

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UPDATE: Tiny Tree-dwelling Terrorists Trigger Turmoil

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 1 comment

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is an eyewitness account from the front lines of the recent rodent ruckus. Views and opinions expressed by the eyewitness are in no way endorsed, condoned or shared by THE INFLUENCIER. Our Goal: bring you the most accurate coverage possible while maintaining the highest of journalistic standards. THE INFLUENCIER strives to […]

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BREAKING NEWS: Creature Crisis Confounds Coders

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 1 comment

Cashew Collector Could be Carrying Catalogue of Classified Corporate Cah-secrets Edmonton Alberta 12:57pm CST – THE INFLUENCIER can now confirm that Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL and his horde of hazelnut-hoarding hoodlums have indeed infiltrated the Empire Avenue core code through a previously unknown security flaw. Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS has made the following […]

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UPDATE: Squirrel Search in Full Swing

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 1 comment

Edmonton, Alberta 12:15PM CST – The search for aggravated acorn admirer Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL and his posse of pistachio-nut pilferers is underway at Empire Avenue. Eyewitness reports have been trickling into THE INFLUENCIER through out the night and into the morning. Resident Empire Avenue pro and famed “Unicorn Whisperer”  Fray Close (e)POOKA was one […]

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by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 0 comments

11:30AM Edmonton, Alberta – In what appears to be an escalation of vengeance, THE INFLUENCIER has just received the following communique from (e)SQRL regarding the possibility that he and his band of bushy-tailed bandits have taken Empire Avenue server operators hostage and are demanding a ransom: “I cannot confirm nor deny such rumors. Just bring […]

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BREAKING NEWS: Possible Hostage Situation

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 0 comments

Savvy Squirrel Strikes Servers, Has Hostages In a late breaking development,  Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana, also known as (e)DUPS revealed Friday evening via twitter that Sir Reginald Esquirel (e)SQRL had upped the ante by taking Empire Avenue server operators hostage. A handwritten note allegedly slipped under a door at Empire Avenue Headquarters with a […]

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Influence is an extraordinary tool. What will you do with it? The Influencier