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BREAKING: Empire Avenue Cleared of Wrongdoing

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 23, 2010 •  comment

Empire Avenue BREAKING NEWSEmpire Avenue Cleared of Wrongdoing, Bill Pitcher No Longer Interesting

EDMONTON, AB6:23 PM CST – Service to the popular social networking site where my cat will stop smoking meth, I will name my son Batman, and the world won’t end in 2012 (for real) (official) if 1,000,000 people join this group, Facebook, was restored briefly before suffering another DNS failure. The origin of the problem causing the outages is still unknown at this time.

THE INFLUENCIER has learned that Empire Avenue, Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL and all other individuals  (human or otherwise) under the employ of Empire Avenue have been cleared of any criminal wrongdoing. A source close to the investigation revealed to THE INFLUENCIER that investigators had found peanuts in the Server Room at Facebook Headquarters.  With the horror of “The Hail of A Thousand Nuts” still fresh in their minds, agents logically began to look at “the usual suspects” who have perpetrated this sort of crime in the past.

Interpol’s Cybercrime Division apparently already had surveillance assets in place monitoring Empire Avenue Headquarters after The Mark News conducted a live chat interview with Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS on September 10th wherein (e)DUPS threatened to shut down Facebook:

However, upon a closer examination of the forensic evidence found in the Facebook server room, Interpol Crime Scene Investigators determined that the peanuts in question were, in fact, inedible foam packing peanuts. Multiple witnesses backed up (e)SQRL’s alibi that he had been hard at work in the Marketing Department on new Erindale features all day, while security camera footage at San Francisco Airport showed that (e)DUPS had not engaged in any type of hacking activity during the time of or leading up to the Facebook service disruption.  The security camera footage showed that (e)DUPS was, instead, riding the baggage claim carousel.

Further investigation of the crime scene has lead the Interpol Cybercrimes Division to the conclusion that William Pitcher (e)RZR founder of the Empire Building Network and part-time Joe Pantoliano celebrity impersonator, was in fact, acting alone, and is the source of the problem. As such, William Pitcher is no longer classified as interesting a “Person of Interest” in the investigation, but rather, as Interpol’s prime suspect. A warrant has been issued for his arrest.

More to come as events unfold.

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