VP of Marketing Ohle Threatens To Unleash Unstoppable Superbug
EDMONTON, AB 4:35PM CST – In a haunting video released earlier today on the YouTube, Empire Avenue VP of Marketing and Media Relations, Tom Ohle (e)TOM threatened to unleash a weaponized version of the H1N1 flu virus on the world unless he received investments totaling 1,000,000 eaves by midnight Sunday.
To prove that his threat was serious, Ohle intentionally exposed a test subject to the virus, and included graphic footage of the victim’s horrendous suffering in the video.
The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has issued an alert detailing the potential for a global pandemic and has urged nation-states to take whatever measures necessary to contain the spread of the virus. As of this writing, several countries have taken drastic steps to protect their citizenry. The Principality of Sealand has closed its borders to all flights originating from Canada and ordered a maritime blockade of England, just for good measure. The Kingdom of Talossa has doubled their canine border patrol. Molossia has added cats to the list of things that are prohibited by law in the country.
The CDC has also stated that virus spreads through aerosol transmission, and initial tests reveal that the presumed mortality rate, at least in felines, is approximately 800% — meaning the disease is so powerful, it will kill you 8 times over before it chews you up and spits you out. Fortunately, most cats have nine lives.
News of this latest fiasco does not bode well for embattled CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS or Empire Avenue Inc., with the company still reeling from a string of scandals related to the alleged mistreatment, exploitation, and unethical experimentation on animals. (e)DUPS insists the video is just a peek into an upcoming promotional campaign, but THE INFLUENCIER has learned from whistle-blower website WikiLeaks.org that this is not the case.
WikiLeaks has provided THE INFLUENCIER with exclusive advanced access to approximately 10,000 internal corporate memorandums that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Empire Avenue is engaged in a massive feline-flu cover-up.
The documents, due to be released by WikiLeaks next week, paint a vivid picture of the deteriorating mental state of (e)TOM. Once a successful marketer and part-time arm tattoo model, Ohle has apparently been driven over the edge, jealous of the recent success achieved by co-worker Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL, the mastermind behind the Twitter Index. Coupled with increased competition amongst Empire Avenue Staffers now that they are allowed to purchase stocks in other players, Ohle has become prone to explosive fits of murderous rage with ever increasing frequency. The documents show that (e)DUPS knew all along that (e)TOM was on the verge of a breakdown and did nothing to prevent it, other than warning the Empire Avenue community to keep their distance, as is evidenced in this tweet:
Critics argue, that by tweeting this message, (e)DUPS was in fact, intentionally antagonizing (e)TOM, rather than looking out for the Empire Avenue community as he claims.
More to come as events unfold.