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BREAKING NEWS: Squirrel To Surrender Soon

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 8, 2010 •  11 comments

BREAKING NEWSEdmonton, Alberta 9:25CST – THE INFLUENCIER has just received word from Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS that Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL will turn himself over to Human Resources sometime tomorrow. A Squirrel Summit has been planned and the outcome of the meeting will be reported through official Empire Avenue channels.

Sir Rudiger Esquirel, IIIIt has been over 24 hours since (e)SQRL has made his presence known publicly. There have been no twitter updates, no changes in his status on his Empire Avenue profile since 3:15PM CST yesterday. There are sporadic reports that his pals are still popping up in various nooks and crannies of the Empire Avenue Online Influence Stock Market from time to time and (e)DUPS has confirmed that there are may be some squirrels still in the system. Reports from shareholders of squirrel spottings have decreased in frequency and it would appear that Empire Avenue Rodent Iradication Personnel have gotten the infestation mostly under control thanks to the help of observant, quick clicking shareholders.

Still, one has to wonder where has Sir Rudiger Esquirel himself gone?

No one is perhaps more concerned about the whereabouts of Sir Esquirel than Eleanor Thibeau (e)LDHXC, who revealed herself to THE INFLUENCIER as the star-crossed squirrel lover Sir Rudiger waxed poetic about in a recent interview. The absence of (e)SQRL has caused Thibeau great distress, and she has vowed to live in a tree until that time at which she can be reunited with Sir Rudiger.

Eleanor Thibeu LDHXC on Empire AvenueThibeau, thought to be slightly unstable but not a danger to the general public, was recently observed sitting in the highest branch atop the tallest tree in Hawrelak Park, reciting poetry,


“Oh Rudiger, how I miss thee.
Please come to me so I can get out of this tree.

Yesterday I invested several eaves
in what looked like a squirrely fiend…

…he told me I was from his dreams
and that my name spells No Real, E.

He wondered if I actually exist,
and to my content he continued to persist…

…that I in fact warm his nut loving heart
and for joining his cause I’m pretty smart!

With his loving words I proclaimed to thee,
that I wouldn’t mind moving into a tree.

I shouted to the world it was him I would hug and squeeze…
..and to my shouts he seemed real pleased!

So now it is from me that you have heard,
I am in love with Sir Rudiger Esquirel the Third!”

We can only hope that the Edmonton Fire Department finds a long enough ladder soon and helps Thibeau descend safely to the ground below.

More to come as events unfold.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

EleanorTicker: August 8, 2010 at 9:48 pm

RUDIGER COME BACK TO ME!!!!!!!!

Adriel HamptonTicker: August 8, 2010 at 9:55 pm

While I am on record for #teamEA in this matter, let me also say I am pro-labor and hope a progressive contract comes out of this whole fiasco.

Fray Close August 8, 2010 at 9:57 pm

Maybe she should stop trying to smack him with that spoon!

Sue HepnerTicker: August 8, 2010 at 10:04 pm

Will Gloria Allred represent?

EleanorTicker: August 8, 2010 at 10:05 pm

No no Fray. There is peanut butter on the spoon in hopes of getting my precious Rudiger back!

Fray Close August 8, 2010 at 10:09 pm

you take the squirrel, i get the nuts

damon August 8, 2010 at 10:21 pm

you grab the squirrel, and i grab his nuts

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