From the category archives:

Alerts and Breaking News

BREAKING: Empire Avenue Creates Deadly Virus

by THE INFLUENCIER on December 3, 2010 •  1 comment

Empire Avenue BREAKING NEWSVP of Marketing Ohle Threatens To Unleash Unstoppable Superbug

EDMONTON, AB 4:35PM CST – In a haunting video released earlier today on the YouTube, Empire Avenue VP of Marketing and Media Relations, Tom Ohle (e)TOM threatened to unleash a weaponized version of the H1N1 flu virus on the world unless he received investments totaling 1,000,000 eaves by midnight Sunday.

To prove that his threat was serious, Ohle intentionally exposed a test subject to the virus, and included graphic footage of the victim’s horrendous suffering in the video.

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World’s Scientific Community Outraged by Unethical Animal Experimentation.

Like a slowly simmering pot of tofurkey gravy, rumors are bubbling to the surface that Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, CEO of the plucky Canadian social media startup, Empire Avenue Inc. has transformed the company into a garish recreation of Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory and has begun conducting frighteningly bizarre experiments on several employees against their will.

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BREAKING: Facebook Problem Solved

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 23, 2010 •  2 comments

Empire Avenue BREAKING NEWSMISSISSAUGA, ON 8:14PMTHE INFLUENCIER has just learned that an unknown person or persons has solved the “Facebook problem“. Sometimes you have to take the law into your own hands. Justice can be swift. Especially Vigilante Justice.

THE INFLUENCIER will stay on top of this story if any thing else comes to light. But we’re pretty sure “the problem” has been solved. Permanently. If you missed our coverage of today’s Facebook service disruption, you can get up to speed by reading the posts tagged facebook.

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BREAKING: Empire Avenue Cleared of Wrongdoing

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 23, 2010 •  comment

Empire Avenue BREAKING NEWSEmpire Avenue Cleared of Wrongdoing, Bill Pitcher No Longer Interesting

EDMONTON, AB6:23 PM CST – Service to the popular social networking site where my cat will stop smoking meth, I will name my son Batman, and the world won’t end in 2012 (for real) (official) if 1,000,000 people join this group, Facebook, was restored briefly before suffering another DNS failure. The origin of the problem causing the outages is still unknown at this time.

THE INFLUENCIER has learned that Empire Avenue, Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL and all other individuals  (human or otherwise) under the employ of Empire Avenue have been cleared of any criminal wrongdoing. A source close to the investigation revealed to THE INFLUENCIER that investigators had found peanuts in the Server Room at Facebook Headquarters.  With the horror of “The Hail of A Thousand Nuts” still fresh in their minds, agents logically began to look at “the usual suspects” who have perpetrated this sort of crime in the past.

Interpol’s Cybercrime Division apparently already had surveillance assets in place monitoring Empire Avenue Headquarters after The Mark News conducted a live chat interview with Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS on September 10th wherein (e)DUPS threatened to shut down Facebook:

However, upon a closer examination of the forensic evidence found in the Facebook server room, Interpol Crime Scene Investigators determined that the peanuts in question were, in fact, inedible foam packing peanuts. Multiple witnesses backed up (e)SQRL’s alibi that he had been hard at work in the Marketing Department on new Erindale features all day, while security camera footage at San Francisco Airport showed that (e)DUPS had not engaged in any type of hacking activity during the time of or leading up to the Facebook service disruption.  The security camera footage showed that (e)DUPS was, instead, riding the baggage claim carousel.

Further investigation of the crime scene has lead the Interpol Cybercrimes Division to the conclusion that William Pitcher (e)RZR founder of the Empire Building Network and part-time Joe Pantoliano celebrity impersonator, was in fact, acting alone, and is the source of the problem. As such, William Pitcher is no longer classified as interesting a “Person of Interest” in the investigation, but rather, as Interpol’s prime suspect. A warrant has been issued for his arrest.

More to come as events unfold.

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BREAKING: Interpol Expands Investigation

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 23, 2010 •  2 comments

Empire Avenue BREAKING NEWSWilliam Pitcher named as “Person of Interest”

MISSISSAUGA, ON 4:18PM CSTAn unnamed source close to the investigation has confirmed to THE INFLUENCIER that Empire Avenue is indeed under investigation by the Interpol Cybercrime Division in relation to the recent system-wide outage of the popular social networking and ex-girlfriend stalking site, Facebook. According to the source, Empire Avenue has been the target of a covert investigation for some time now, as evidenced by a surveillance photo that surfaced in a recently published National Post article.

THE INFLUENCIER has also learned that the esteemed William Pitcher (e)RZR, founder of  The Empire Building Network has been named as a “Person of Interest” in the investigation as well. It would appear that an unknown number of persons (or animals maybe) are in cahoots with Mr. Pitcher. Their plan: to sabotage Facebook, a popular social networking site used to share photos that will eventually be the reason you didn’t get the job, and redirect traffic to the social networking site of upstart Canadian startup, Empire Avenue. Mr. Pitcher was caught red-handed when he released this tweet:

More to come as events unfold.

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BREAKING: Empire Avenue Squirrel Questioned

by THE INFLUENCIER September 23, 2010 0 comments

Source: Interpol Cybercrime Agents at Empire Avenue HQ to Question (e)SQRL EDMONTON, AB 4:03PM CST – An unnamed source close to the investigation has confirmed to THE INFLUENCIER that agents from Interpol’s Cybercrime Division were on site at Empire Avenue Headquarters to question Sir Rudiger Esquirrel, a former Server Room Intern who now works in […]

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BREAKING: Empire Avenue Under Investigation

by THE INFLUENCIER September 23, 2010 0 comments

Interpol Cybercrime Agents Spotted Outside Empire Avenue Headquarters EDMONTON, AB 3:26PM CST – THE INFLUENCIER has learned that agents from Interpol’s Cybercrime Division were spotted outside Empire Avenue Headquarters today. It would appear that the fiesty Canadian startup is under investigation. The question is, under investigation for what? THE INFLUENCIER is on the story, badgering […]

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UPDATED: Empire Avenue Secret Achievements

by THE INFLUENCIER August 13, 2010 7 comments

EDITOR’S NOTE: Updates appear at the end of this post. Edmonton, Alberta 4:50PM CDT – The Empire Avenue Team announced via twitter this afternoon that ten new make that eleven correction twelve(?!?) 13 new Secret Achievements by Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS himself, 3 new Secret Achievements by Social Engineering Architect Ray Lambe (e)RGL […]

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SQUIRREL SAGA UPDATE: Rodent Ruckus Resolved, Heroes Honored

by THE INFLUENCIER August 9, 2010 2 comments

EDITOR’S NOTE: The complete collection of Breaking News Alerts, Updates and Exclusives detailing the SQUIRREL SAGA are tagged squirrel and are archived in THE ATHENAEUM. Edmonton, Alberta 1:30PM CST – The infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” that has captivated the world’s attention since Friday afternoon has come to a peaceable resolution. Embattled Empire Avenue, […]

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BREAKING NEWS: Squirrel To Surrender Soon

by THE INFLUENCIER August 8, 2010 11 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 9:25CST – THE INFLUENCIER has just received word from Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS that Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL will turn himself over to Human Resources sometime tomorrow. A Squirrel Summit has been planned and the outcome of the meeting will be reported through official Empire Avenue channels. It has been over […]

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EXCLUSIVE: The Real Rudiger Revealed – Up Close and Unshelled!

by THE INFLUENCIER August 8, 2010 5 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 12:56PM CST – For the first time since the crisis began, THE INFLUENCIER has been able to meet rodent rebel and labor leader Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL for an exclusive, face to furry face interview. Other than what we know about (e)SQRL from his LinkedIn Profile, what else might we learn about the […]

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