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RUMOR: Empire Avenue Genetically Engineering Squirrel-Turkey Hybrids

by THE INFLUENCIER on November 24, 2010 •  1 comment

World’s Scientific Community Outraged by Unethical Animal Experimentation.

Like a slowly simmering pot of tofurkey gravy, rumors are bubbling to the surface that Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, CEO of the plucky Canadian social media startup, Empire Avenue Inc. has transformed the company into a garish recreation of Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory and has begun conducting frighteningly bizarre experiments on several employees against their will.

Earlier this afternoon, like a puddle of melting cranberry sauce, a photo depicting the macabre results of (e)DUPS’s Dr. Moreau-esque tendencies leaked on to twitter. The photo, which appears above, has been described by some as “disturbing.” Others have described the photo as “disturbingly appetizing.”

Even though the veracity of the photo was in question, Empire Avenue began drawing fire and ire from across the world.

At an impromptu joint press conference, representatives from the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO), the Union of Concerned Scientists (UCS), European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) condemned (e)DUPS for for his actions, calling the resulting monstrosity “a heinous, unethical act of scientific malfeasance, yet strangely delicious looking.” UNESCO and the UCS also took the opportunity to condemn CERN for not understanding how acronyms work, even in French.

The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) called for a protest, announcing on their website a plan to “Disrobe and Demonstrate” in front of Empire Avenue Headquarters post-haste this afternoon. Within minutes, dozens of teenage boys and middle-aged men armed with flip-cams and cellphones had lined the streets outside Empire Avenue Inc. eagerly anticipating a peek at the parade of PETA picketers.

Organizers of the PETA protest then checked the Edmonton, Alberta weather forecast and promptly released a statement canceling the march while simultaneously condemning the scientists of UNESCO, UCS, and CERN for promoting the ludicrous idea of Global Warming.

Empire Avenue Inc is no stranger to controversy when it comes to the treatment of their animal employees and interns. However, in this instance, official sources at Empire Avenue Inc. insist that the photo in question is merely the manifestation of exuberance by an employee, one Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL, who is overly excited about a promotion that will run on the site this Friday.

The appearance of a new graphic on the Empire Avenue login page seems to support these claims, indicating that on November 26th, the day after Thanksgiving commonly known as “Black Friday,” Empire Avenue will be having a “Shop til You Drop!” event.

More to come as events unfold…

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