Edmonton, Alberta 12:56PM CST – For the first time since the crisis began, THE INFLUENCIER has been able to meet rodent rebel and labor leader Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL for an exclusive, face to furry face interview. Other than what we know about (e)SQRL from his LinkedIn Profile, what else might we learn about the pecan plucking playboy? A first-hand account of the conversation with all the details follows below, with (e)SQRL’s quotes emphasized in black and THE INFLUENCIER in blue. Contextual items and editorial comment remain unchanged:
(e)SQRL agreed to meet me at Transcend Coffee (e)TRANSC, a favorite hangout for Empire Avenue employees. I thought the choice of the rendezvous was an odd one, both because the public nature of the venue only increased the already tremendous possibility that the fury fugitive would be spotted by Empire Avenue Rodent Iradication Personnel (or R.I.P. as they’re known) enjoying a cup of joe after a long days work, and the ever present threat of a surprise inspection of Transcend Coffee’s kitchen by the Deparment of Public Health. I ordered a vanilla latte, while the jittery (e)SQRL remarked he needed something to calm his nerves and asked for a bowl of nuts. The barista stared back blankly for a moment, and then simply slid Rudiger a coffee mug filled with espresso beans. Choosing a table near an open window, (e)SQRL situated himself, perched with his back to the wall. His eyes constantly darting this way and that. I couldn’t possibly see how munching on espresso beans was going to help.
“I can tell you that they aren’t actually a very big company. They don’t even have a real office. And they mistreat squirrels.”
“Have they mistreated you, personally?”
“I find it rather unfair that they have me working here in the server room. I’m a glorified feather duster. They keep me in a cage. There’s no funny end to that story.”
What can you tell us about the Empire Avenue CEO, Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, Do you trust him?
“That Dups fellow is spreading lies. I merely want equal rights for squirrels. I need to feel important, needed.”
The entire world has been closely following this debacle very closely. Late last night, THE INFLUENCIER published an article where some of the more high-profile Empire Avenue investors weighed in with their opinions. Have you seen the post and how do you feel about the sentiments that were expressed?
“I am humbled by all the support. Makes my tail go all bushy. I would like to thank [my supporters] all individually, but I have small legs.”
“As for anti-squirrel factions… all I can say is that I can cause havoc in server rooms. Just imagine if I crawled up your pant leg.”
I wonder if you’d share with our readers more about the “Real Rudiger” For starters, you introduce yourself as “Sir” Rudiger. Is it an official title? How did you come to have such a formal honor bestowed upon you?
“My love for nuts earned me my title. It’s a long story involving the Queen, a dramatic rescue, and a few royal nutjobs.”
“Do you have any other passions? And by this I mean, are nuts the only love in your life? There have been rumors of a certain lady-friend who tugs on your heartstrings?”
Rudiger paused and stared blankly off into space. After a moment, he spoke, though I couldn’t be sure he was actually addressing me.Sweetly, gently, he began,
“Eleanor. Anagram for No Real, E. Do you actually exist? Your investment warms my nut-loving heart, but I have to wonder if you’re just a dream…”
And just at that moment, we were spotted by a team of Empire Avenue Rodent Iradication Personnel. (e)SQRL scampered up and over the adjacent windowsill and vanished. He has not been heard from since.
At this time THE INFLUENCIER has no further information pertaining to his whereabouts, well-being, or the status of the so-called “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.”
With the rumors of unrequited squirrel love now all but confirmed, lacking only a paparazzi snapshot of the couple, the staff of THE INFLUENCIER is left to ask, who is this mysterious Eleanor? Might she be the real cause of he controversy? Could she possibly possess sufficient influence to help bring the squirrel shenanigans to a peaceable resolution?
More to come as events unfold.