Has Empire Avenue Gone to the Dogs?
In a recent blog article, Empire Avenue CEO and semi-professional zombie hunter, Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, announced that the top 100 Stocks in Empire Avenue have performed better than the sluggish Dow Jones Industrial Average and it’s hipster cousin, the NASDAQ, over the past 5 months. Dups even put down his zombie-smashing, nail-adorned, baseball bat for a moment to “prove” his boastful boasting with a pretty little graph.
Yeah, right. The phrase, “Figures lie and liars figure” comes to mind. Do I need to remind you, dear reader, that these so-called “facts” come from a man who’s nickname and twitter handle is short for “Duplicitous?” (Not to mention he “embroiders” this “name” on all his pillow “shams”). All Dups is attempting to do is put perfume on a huge, steaming pile of doggie doo.
Sure, the top performing Empire Avenue stocks are blazing along like a greyhound at the racetrack with a fuzzy bunny addiction. (e)JOSH is sitting on a bazillion Eaves. Chris Pirillo’s (e)PIRILLO share price continues to climb and he hasn’t been rickrolled in nearly 6 months (as far as we know). But let’s face it, Empire Avenue operates on a Squirrel-based economy, and that economy is faltering.
Only 5 days after Mr. Wijayawardhana made his glorious comparison to Wall Street, Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL released a statement intimating that Empire Avenue had run out of stone for building Castles. Is this a supply problem? A funding problem?
THE INFLUENCIER would be remiss if we didn’t ask, was it wise to place Rudiger in charge of stone procurement? Is Rudiger out of his league? He is after all, just a simple squirrel, albeit a quite dashing specimen, just ask (e)LADYHARDCORE. And while he is quite proficient in gathering nuts, gathering stone is an entirely different gambit altogether. It’s hard. Extremely hard.
No, seriously. Stones are hard, you know, compared to cashews.
There are other warning signs Empire Avenue’s squirrel-based economy is “nut” all it’s “cracked” up to be. For starters, despite repeated appeals, @ConansSquirrel refuses to join Empire Avenue.
Most egregiously, Rudiger Esquirel cannot be bought, and I don’t mean in a “Marlon-Brando-I’ll-make-him-an-offer-he-can’t-refuse” kind of way. I mean, you can’t buy shares of of (e)SQRL on Empire Avenue. As a result, Rudiger’s share price is hovering around 25 eaves with no hope of growth or increase. Mr. Wijayawardhana, this is Squirrel Persecution, plain and simple.
The most blatant sign that Empire Avenue is in the midst of a rampant rodent recession? The Dogs are taking over.
Fire up Empire Avenue and do a search for “Squirrel.” What do you find? Only two squirrel personalities: Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL and Banff Squirrel (e)BANFFSQUIRRL. The best performing squirrel-based stock, Lindsey Annison (e)JFDI isn’t even listed. Not only that, but one of the top results for “Squirrel” is Joshua Harman, (e)SQRRL, whose profile picture… IS A DOG!
Now do a search for “Dog.” What do you find? Fozzie Dog (e)FOZDOG. Teagan the Dog (e)TEAGAN. Gucci the Pug (e)GUCCI. Hetty Archer (e)HETTYARCHER. Luke Nyland (e)LLAMA.
Okay, those last two are a Cow and Lama, but still, I’m sure they are on a farm somewhere, and there’s bound to be dogs around. My point is this — the list of dog-related tickers goes on and on: (e)K9KELP. (e)ISLANDDOG. (e)WEBDOGGS. (e)GIZMOGEODOG. (e)LWDOGS. There’s even a (e)DOGASAUR!!!
Maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree. Maybe the Empire Avenue economy isn’t going to the dogs. Maybe the Squirrels will rule the day. Maybe we need a dogs-versus-squirrels Cage Match (hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge, poke poke).
I’ll let you decide.
THE REAL REASON FOR THIS POST
While you’re munching on that Milkbone, I’d like to draw your attention to the real reason for this post. THE INFLUENCIER is participating in the 2011 Write a Post, Help a Dog Program.
Write a Post, Help a Dog is a program sponsored by the Pedigree Foundation, aimed at raising awareness of the more than 4 million dogs that wind up in shelters and breed rescues each year. The program also helps get these dogs some food – 10,000 pounds of dog food, in fact, in two weeks.
For each blog post mentioning the Pedigree Foundation for the two weeks leading up to midnight ET on September 3, Pedigree will donate 20 pounds of its new dry Pedigree recipe food for dogs to a shelter, because every dog deserves leading nutrition.
The Pedigree Foundation — a 501 (C)(3) nonprofit organization – is committed to helping dogs by providing grants to shelters and rescues and encouraging dog adoption. This year the Foundation has already raised more than $376,570 against its goal of $1.5 million to carry out its work to fund grants that not only help shelters operate, but to further shelter innovations.
To learn more about the Write a Post, Help a Dog program and the Pedigree Foundation visit http://www.pedigreefoundation.org/
You can donate online at http://pedigreefoundation.org/donate.aspx
And of course, you can help spread awareness about the Pedigree Foundation by sharing or retweeting this post. Thanks!