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An Historic Day on Empire Avenue

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 20, 2010 •  3 comments

An Historic Day on Empire AvenueSeptember 20th – An Historic Day.

On this day in 1519, Ferdinand Magellan sailed from Seville, Spain, with a fleet of five ships in an attempt to circumnavigate the world. Only one, the Victoria, completed the trip. Good sailor, that Magellan. Sink four boats, get credit for a “successful voyage.” I wonder, is that how it works on Carnival Cruise Lines? Wait, where was I?

In 1973, Billie Jean King defeated Bobby Riggs in an epic tennis match, proving once and for all that females were the superior gender. And that Bobby Riggs plays tennis like a girl.

And in 1986, at the 38th Emmy Awards held in Pasadena, California, NBC’s “The Golden Girls” won for Best Comedy. Looking back now, you can see the first glimmer of a star in the making, genius hidden just below the surface, of one young, talented actress, Betty White.

September 20th, an historic day indeed. And that’s not even counting the fact that Moon Bloodgood was born on this day in 1975. Yeah, THAT Moon Bloodgood. Paul Walker’s costar in Disney’s feel-good, yet harrowing, Antarctic sled dog adventure “Eight Below.”

However, each of these events pales in comparison to what historians the world over, or history books published outside of the state of Texas, will tell you this day is famous for.  I am of course referring to September 20, 2010, the day that marks the 46 day anniversary of the start of “The Hail of a Thousand Nuts” on Empire Avenue.

“The Hail of a Thousand Nuts…”

The Hail of a Thousand Nuts. Squirrels. Rudiger. Just saying the words aloud causes the hair on the back of the necks of many Empire Avenue influencers to stand up like some primal reflex. In some, the result is a glassy-eyed stare off into the distance as a tear begins to form, welling up as they remember the fallen. Still in others, upon hearing the words, they experience a hankering for a handful of nuts — walnuts, pistachios, pecans, it doesn’t matter.

For the uninitiated,  “The Hail of A Thousand Nuts” was a period on Empire Avenue not unlike the Dark Ages before the time of the Renaissance in medieval Europe. The Black Plague was rampant among shareholders.* Marauding bands of crusaders were notorious for torturing shareholders whose stock picks differed from their own.** As blogs, tweets and status updates were written in Latin, the sharing of content was limited to the clergy.*** Tyrants ruled the land with fear and violence,  exploiting the peasantry, even making some of them live in cages at times.****

It was on this very day, 46 days ago, at about 4:30pm CST that one humble being, broke free from the chains of tyranny, and started a rebellion.  That being’s name, Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III. Yes, a common squirrel, of Irish descent, a lowly intern confined to the server room within the bowels of Empire Avenue Headquarters, whose only claim to fame before that point in time involved a daring  rescue of the Queen,  made his escape to freedom and in the process, changed the world as we know it. Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III.  The squirrel known as (e)SQRL.

THE INFLUENCIER was there on that fateful day, at precisely that fateful moment,  when Rudiger made his escape and unleashed upon humanity a fury beyond imagination, a fury that has had no equal in modern times.***** Call it luck, call it serendipity, call it what you will, THE INFLUENCIER was in the right place at the right time****** and began to chronicle the events as they unfolded.  Events that were at times horrific and at other times heroic.

In honor of the 46 day anniversary of this historic event, THE INFLUENCIER is taking a look back, and a look forward. Articles appearing over the next several days will feature interviews with Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL, Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, and a few other Empire Avenue notables.

In the meantime, THE INFLUENCIER invites you to take a look back at the events and coverage. You can find all the breaking news updates and exclusives in THE ATHENAEUM with the tag squirrel. For those of you who where particularly affected by the events of that fateful weekend, we invite you to become part of this story by sharing your experiences directly with THE INFLUENCIER using the contact form.

Finally, we encourage you to share your thoughts, your memories, and your tributes in the comment section below. If you are at a loss as to what to write, perhaps simply answer the question, “Where were you when the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” began?”


* No, it wasn’t. [Back To Post]

** No, they weren’t. Although (e)ZOD was known to make people kneel before him. [Back To Post]

*** No, they weren’t, and no, it wasn’t. But the twitter fail whale did occasionally show up. [Back To Post]

**** This part is true. By Tyrants, we mean Chief Executive Officers, by peasantry we mean squirrel interns, and by cages, we mean actual cages. [Back To Post]

***** Or at least in the past 46 days. [Back To Post]

****** For the curious, “the right place and right time” being seated at the kitchen table with a laptop, reading Empire Avenue related twitters while being scolded by his wife for not  making dinner for the kiddos like he was supposed to be doing. [Back To Post]

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{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

OlivierTicker: September 20, 2010 at 10:01 pm

Oh wow! That’s a masterpiece! Doug, you are the most awesomest journalist I know!

Luke NylandTicker: September 21, 2010 at 6:33 am

As usual, Doug, you’re an absolute nutcase and we all love you for it!

I genuinely love reading through these posts, keep up the good work!

Ron HeighTicker: September 21, 2010 at 9:06 am


You have brought shivers to me, thinking back to that fateful Friday afternoon.
It will go down in history as one of the great days to remember.

Thank you for taking time to accurately chronical the events most people can bring themselves to remember.

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