Editor’s Note: This article is the fourth in a series of posts from THE INFLUENCIER honoring the heroes of and remembering the horror that was the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.” To learn more about this historic event, read posts tagged squirrel.
We Will Never Forget! It was on this very day, 15 days ago and 46 days before that, that a reign of terror was unleashed upon the unsuspecting influencers of Empire Avenue when one Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III (e)SQRL broke free from bondage and began hurling acorns, walnuts, and pecans at whoever crossed his path. There were countless casualties, both human and squirrel.
When Rudiger Esquirel made his presence known to the world, and began wreaking havoc upon the Empire Avenue servers, he made many enemies, but also won over the hearts and minds of a portion of the populace, gaining support along the way. Despite the damage he inflicted, Many came to view (e)SQRL as the “Robin Hood of the Squirrel World.” With such fame and popularity, (e)SQRL developed quite a following. Many could be seen vying for his affections, shouting “I love you, Rudiger!” in tweets, on (e)SQRL’s profile, and even on their own. But none of these seem to capture the attention of Esquirel more than one Eleanor Thibeau, or as she is known throughout Edmonton, Lady Hardcore (e)LDYHXC. Thibeau had an almost mystical power over Rudiger, who often could be heard waxing poetic about the mysterious Thibeau. Though unconfirmed at the time, popular opinion is that Rudiger and Thibeau developed a relationship that was… more than platonic.
THE INFLUENCIER recently landed an exclusive interview with sultry and seductive Miss Thibeau. The transcript of that interview follows.
The ELEANOR THIBEAU INTERVIEW
To assist the reader, (e)LDYHXC’s quotes are emphasized in black and those of THE INFLUENCIER appear in blue. Contextual items and editorial comment remain unchanged:
When THE INFLUENCIER contacted Miss Thibeau, she agreed to go through with the interview on one condition, that we conduct the interview atop the tallest tree in Hawrelak Park. Readers of THE INFLUENCIER will recall that upon Rudiger’s surrender to Empire Avenue authorities, Thibeau stationed herself in this particular tree and vowed to live there reciting poetry, until a time at which she could be reunited with Sir Rudiger. At the time, it was believed that Thibeau might be slightly unstable, but not a danger to the public. As it had been over a month since she took residence in the tree, I ascended and approached Miss Thibeau with caution.
Thanks for taking the time to meet with me, though your choice of locations is, well, how can I put this, a little “unorthodox.” We must be nearly 60 feet up off the ground. What’s it been like living up here for the past month? What is the best part of that? What’s the worst part?
Living in the tree has been interesting to say the least. I’m still not entirely used to it. The best part is the view. The worst part is when I fall out of the tree – it hurts! Also, now that it’s getting cooler out and the leaves are starting to fall, I am not as protected from the elements as I once was. Since I cannot hibernate I need a new game plan.
What’s the status of your relationship with Rudiger?
I am unsure. I am hoping he’s still nuts about me.
Have you had any contact with Rudiger?
He responded to one of my tweets a few days ago. It wasn’t a long reply though. I am very concerned about him. Since he “won” his battle against Empire Avenue I haven’t seen or heard much of him. I think his new promotion was a guise for slave imprisonment.
Do you still have feelings for Rudiger?
I’m still in the tree, aren’t I? I think that my first concern is his welfare – once we get to talk again we will need to have a discussion.
How are you coping?
With an e-marriage to Colin Eagles (e)COLEAG. We’re still in the honeymoon period. He still hasn’t grasped the concept of making me chicken pot pie for dinner, but the bedroom chat on twitter is fantastic.
How do you feel about all the attention Rudiger has received from the “I love you, Rudiger!” achievement?
Miss Thibeau paused and looked lovingly at the sleeve of her jacket. I couldn’t quite make out what kind of material the jacket was made from, but it was definitely fur of some sort that had been hand stitched. Thibeau continued, lovingly stroking her sleeve:
You don’t see any female squirrels remaining in my tree, do you?
Finally, during a recent interview with Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana, THE INFLUENCIER learned that there may be an Empire Avenue movie in production. (e)DUPS hinted the blockbuster may be related to “The Hail of a Thousand Nuts” and Rudiger’s exploits. Do you have any information about such a film?
At this point in the interview, Miss Thibeau became highly agitated. She began speaking frantically, shouting very loudly in non-stop, run-on sentences. I do believe she began to hyperventilate:
OMG!! OMG!! OMG!! Keifer-Sutherland-should-play-Rudiger-I-can-see-it-now-A-72-hour-movie-extravaganza-done-in-real-time-With-a-clock-ticking-in-the-background-Rudiger-is-an-agent-with-super-squirrel-abilities-who-is-set-with-the-impossible-task-of-saving-the-internet-and-fighting-against-the terrorists-to-save Americ….err.. Empire-Avenue-from-certain-doom-Pressed-up-against-the-tree-he-goes-rogue-and-uses-his-unconventional-ways-to-fight-for-the-greater-good-and-once-he-succeeds-in-his-mission-he-is-miraculously-excused-for-all-the-murdering-and-torturing-that-he-had-to-do-in-the-name-of-what’s-right-When-he-is-captured by-the-Chinese-at-the-end—
I had to interupt before my ears started bleeding:
Um, Miss Thibeau, you are describing the plot of season 5 of 24, not the events from “The Hail of A Thousand Nuts.” If I may, I’d like to bring the conversation back to—
OH RUDIGER!! SURVIVE!! YOU STAY ALIVE NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS!! I WILL FIND YOU!! NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES, NO MATTER HOW FAR, I WILL FIND YOU!!
Now you’re quoting Daniel Day Lewis in “Last of the Mohicans.”
YOU’VE DONE EVERYTHING YOU CAN DO!! SAVE YOURSELF!! IF THE WORST HAPPENS, AND ONLY ONE OF US SURVIVES, SOMETHING OF THE OTHER DOES TOO!!
Yeah, you’re still quoting “Last of the Mohicans.” Why don’t you come back toward the trunk here, that branch doesn’t look like it will ho–
STAY BACK! DON’T COME ANY CLOSER! STAY WHERE YOU ARE! I MEAN IT! I’LL LET GO!
Miss Thibeau, seriously, you’re starting to scare me. You’re not gonna jump, now give me your ha–
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “NO I WON’T?” DON’T PRESUME TO TELL ME WHAT I WILL AND WILL NOT DO, YOU DON’T KNOW ME!
You’re quoting “Titanic” now.
YOU’RE THE KING OF THE CAVE! YOU JUMP I JUMP! REMEMBER!
At this point, Thibeau looked away and started muttering to herself, seeming to don multiple personalities:
Alright. I’ll jump first. No. Then you jump first. No, I said. What’s the matter with you? I can’t swim. Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you–
It sounded as if Miss Thibeau was doing the waterfall sceen from “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid,” but I couldn’t be sure. As Thibeau was no longer paying any attention to me, I quietly climbed down the tree and promptly called the authorities.
UPDATE: It appears that, despite the efforts of rescue workers, Thibeau (e)LDYHXC is still situated atop the tallest tree in Hawlreck Park, only now she is wearing a patch over one eye, has a stuffed parrot on her shoulder, and believes herself to be a pirate. She was last heard singing the the theme song from the Walt Disney World theme park attraction, “Pirates of the Carribean” and repeatedly asking “Why is all the rum gone?” The woman is definitely unstable.