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Rodent Ruckus Redux – The (e)SQRL Interview

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 22, 2010 •  1 comment

Empire Avenue's Rudiger Esquirel Edtitor’s Note: This article is the second in a series of posts from THE INFLUENCIER honoring the heroes of and remembering the horror that was the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.”  To learn more about this historic event, read posts tagged squirrel.

On this very day, 46 days ago, Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III (e)SQRL, turned himself over to Empire Avenue’s Rodent Iradication Personnel, a demonstration of personal sacrifice that signaled that the infamous “Rodent Ruckus” was drawing to a close and peace and stability would soon return to Empire Avenue.

As many Influencers know, as part of the resolution of the crisis, Rudiger became a full fledged employee with Empire Avenue, assuming a new role in the Marketing Department. THE INFLUENCIER was curious how things have changed for Rudiger since becoming an employee and recently sat down with (e)SQRL to answer that question. The transcript of that interview follows.


To assist the reader, (e)SQRL’s quotes are emphasized in black and those of THE INFLUENCIER appear in blue. Contextual items and editorial comment remain unchanged:

Thanks for taking the time to meet with me Sir Rudiger. This is certainly a lovely tree you have. It’s been about a month and half since the events of the “Squirrel Saga” took place on Empire Avenue. In general, how are you getting along in your new role in the Marketing department?

It’s going really well. I’m being kept well-fed… though up here in Canada, winter is, as you know, no laughing matter. Unless you laugh at the misfortune of others. Anyhow, they pretty much have to feed me, or I’d die in the winter. It’s expected, I think, that they keep me from dying… a courtesy. I digress. The job itself has been quite good – I get to offer opinions on website features before they’re made public, and I help to ensure that the needs of all of the little critters are met on Empire Avenue.

What is something you think our readers would find interesting about you that we might not know?

I’ve actually never tasted mango. Isn’t that odd? Nowadays mangoes are so easy to get… but nope, never.

You received a lot of attention from your supporters with the advent of the “I Love You Rudiger” secret achievement. How has that made you feel?

It’s been incredible to see the response from my fans. But sometimes I sit around and night and wonder if they’re just saying that because they get an achievement. That wouldn’t be too nice. Because you’re really building up a guy’s confidence with that sort of thing, and to think it’s just empty words… well… that’s enough to break your heart.

Speaking of broken hearts, have you had any contact with (e)LDYHXC Eleanor Thibeau? I understand she is still in a tree waiting for you. What’s the status of that relationship? Any regrets?

At this point in the interview, Rudiger fell silent, and stared listlessly off in the distance. He seemed to be mumbling something, as his lips were moving, but I couldn’t quite make out the words. Of course, he could have been simply chewing on a shard of acorn leftover from a recent snack, a nutty sliver that had dislodged itself from between his teeth. Your guess is as good as mine. After an awkward silence that lasted longer than I care to relive, I cleared my throat and tried to regain his attention.

Ahem. Um, Rudiger?


Um. Okay… How about we move on? Has the attention and notoriety caused any friction between you and your coworkers?

Not at all. I mean, I sometimes see Robert (e)KALLIR peeking around a corner, giving me a weird look, and when I turn to look at him, he kind of scurries away. I’m not sure where that comes from, and it might not have anything to do with me. Otherwise we all get along really well. I suspect that they still don’t really trust me, but I just say, “forgive and forget.” It’s important to do that. Not to say I wouldn’t do it again… because I would.

Excuse me? Do what again, exactly?


I’m sorry, “right?”


At this point, something had apparently gotten stuck in (e)SQRL’s eye, as he began winking repeatedly in an obvious attempt to relieve an ocular irritation. I believe he also suffered a brief seizure as he spontaneously and involuntarily began nudging me in the ribs with his elbow. Once the seizure passed and his eye felt better, I proceeded with the interview.

Looking back on the “Hail of A Thousand Nuts” what did you learned about yourself from the experience?

I learned that, on the inside, I harbor a lot of anger. And I need to direct that anger at things other than people… I need to find some hobbies that don’t involve plotting and scheming. It’s going to take time. Baby steps, right?

Finally, what’s next for Rudiger Esquirel?

Rebelli– …Is (e)DUPS gonna read this?

Possibly, I suppose. I’m interviewing him tomorrow.

Oh… In that case… I’m just looking to grow as a squirrel, eat some nuts and change the world. No big deal.

So there you have it. Modest words from a common squirrel. A common squirrel looking to change the world. And at the conclusion of the interview, this reporter couldn’t help but sense that beneath his humble, soft-spoken yet furry exterior, bubbled the qualities of a great leader. There was just something about Rudiger that was energizing and inspirational. I left the interview with the feeling that, with wherever this scrawny squirrel was concerned, great things are in store for Empire Avenue in the future.

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Eleanor ThibeauTicker: September 22, 2010 at 11:43 pm


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