Edmonton, Alberta 1:30PM CST – The infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” that has captivated the world’s attention since Friday afternoon has come to a peaceable resolution. Embattled Empire Avenue, Inc. CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, hounded by accusations of of unfair squirrel labor practices, held a mid-morning press conference announcing the conclusion of the crisis, releasing the following statement:
“After discussions with Sir Rudiger, the squirrel infestation is over and he has been given a full-time permanent job with Empire Avenue.”
In a one-on-one with THE INFLUENCIER, (e)DUPS later continued,
“We are incredibly indebted to all the people who caught squirrels on the site this past weekend. [The help of Empire Avenue Influencers] was invaluable in staving off downtimes and other server calamities.”
While a settlement has been reached between the two parties, the exact details of the agreement between (e)SQRL and Empire Avenue, Inc. remain confidential. However (e)DUPS did explain that one of the conditions crucial to the outcome of the negotiations, was that Sir Rudiger’s stock be converted to an E-Class commodity, and that, in order to avoid any conflicts of interest or potential insider trading abuses, (e)SQRL be prohibited from purchasing any shares of other influencers, as is standard practice with all Empire Avenue employees.
(e)DUPS went on to explain that those who purchased stock in (e)SQRL received eaves in exchange for their stake in Sir Rudiger, at the last publically traded share price before the conversion to E-Class status occurred. He further noted that the Squirrel Aficionados Community will remain in existence for the foreseeable future.
Speaking privately with THE INFLUENCIER after the summit, Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL looked back over his escapades lamenting,
“I believe that I raised awareness of the mistreatment of squirrels in the workplace. Perhaps I got a bit carried away.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: It may have been our imagination, but this reporter could have sworn he heard (e)SQRL end his comment with a muttered, nearly silent whisper of “More to come.”
Another of the conditions of (e)SQRL’s employment was that he be able to blog about his side of the story in the Official Empire Avenue Blog and that his supporters be allowed to continue to follow him on twitter.
No word yet as to whether love-stricken squirrel stalker and pine tree perched poet, Eleanor Thibeau (e)LDYHXC has resumed her high altitude affair with her Brazil-nut eating beau.
THE INFLUENCIER would like to extend it’s gratitude to all those loyal readers who contributed to the coverage either by retweeting breaking news alerts, contributing quotes, opinions, sonnets or other hot tips for inclusion in our posts. We would especially like to thank:
- Craig Miller (e)MILLER for his stellar reporting from the front lines of the rodent ruckus.
- Chris Buzon (e)EVIL for the account of his encounter and his couch-cushion fort schematics.
- Eleanor Thibeau (e)LDYHXC for her romantic poetry and tree-climbing antics.
- Claire McGonagal (e)CMCG for uncovering (e)SQRL’s LinkedIn profile and Adriel Hampton (e)ADRIEL for alerting THE INFLUENCIER to Claire’s find.
(e)DUPS, (e)SQRL and the rest of the Empire Avenue crew for providing extensive background, messages and tweets for both off and on-the-record attribution in various articles.
If you enjoyed the coverage provided by THE INFLUENCIER and would like to see more of this kind of journalistic excellence in the future, we encourage you to support our efforts by doing one or more of the following:
- Add (e)DARING to your favorite content list on Empire Avenue
- Visit (e)DARING’s profile and endorse this blog
- Follow @DougUpdates on twitter
- Invest — In the real heroes. Seriously:
Each of the people or organizations listed below are in some way making a positive impact in the “Real World.” If you purchased stock in (e)DARING previously or during the crisis, consider selling 10 shares or 10% of your holdings in (e)DARING, whichever is greater, and use the proceeds from the sale to purchase shares of them in the Empire Avenue Online Influence Stock Market.
Alzheimer’s Reading Room (e)ARR Resources for those touched by Alzheimer’s Disease
Allie Wojtaszek (e)ALLIE Volunteer with Canadian Red Cross and Edmonton’s Food Bank
Kyle Giesbrecht (e)DOOD Co-founder of The Koindu Project, helping a war-torn town in Sierra Leone
(e)EPL The Edmonton Public Library
Joanna Farley (e)JOANNA Communications Director for the Edmonton Chamber of Voluntary Organizations
Chris Quock (e)MAX helping raise money for Kids with Cancer by selling his body.
Tim Osborne (e)TIM United Way of the Alberta Capital Region
Mauni Krueger (e) currently working on the Candlelight Serenade Acoustic Festival helping rescue kids from human trafficking.
Tamara Stecyk (e)TAMARA Raising hunger awareness and asking you to support the Edmonton’s Food Bank with a jar of peanut butter.
(e)UWAY The United Way of the Alberta Capital Region
ZeroCO2 (e)0CO2 Combating climate change with carbon offsets and tree plantings
To find more people or organizations of this type, visit the Charities & Non-profits Community on Empire Avenue. Are you a involved with a non-profit or charity and are listed on Empire Avenue? Leave a comment with your ticker below, or let us know!
Until next time, remember: