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SQUIRREL UPDATE: Nut Nonsense – Who’s To Blame?

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 7, 2010 •  5 comments

Empire Avenue Squirrel SagaEdmonton, Alberta 11:27PM CST – As with any major incident of global significance, attention is first focused on the immediacy of the event — the confusion, the casualties, the Corylus maxima.

Inevitably, after the initial adrenaline rush subsides and the smoke begins to clear, people start searching for answers. Those in charge begin to wrestle control from chaos and some semblance of order begins to take shape. The crisis may still be ongoing, and the landscape may still be fluid, but there is a certain feeling of reassurance that things are “under control” that spectators privy to the happenings take some comfort in.  It is in these moments of unsettling calm that like-minded individuals find themselves drawn toward each other by a powerful but invisible force. Human nature causes us to “take sides.” And that is exactly what has been occurring on Empire Avenue.

As has been previously reported on THE INFLUENCIER, the current conflagration seems to have been sparked by a dispute between Squirrel Labor and Executive Management within Empire Avenue, Inc.

Officially, Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS has previously put forth the following statement regarding the dispute:

Empire Avenue CEO Dups“Sir Rudiger is slightly unstable and we implore people to not buy him. He will tell you that it is our policy to discredit him. but truly We are just his friends and want him back with us.

As a journalist, it is often one’s duty to act as the watchdog, to keep an eye on the powerful few who hold control over the many, to be on the lookout for possible abuses, and when necessary, speak truth to power when the powerless are unable to do so.

It is for this reason, THE INFLUENCIER has to ask, is the CEO of this Canadian Startup being honest with the public regarding the events that have unfolded over the last day and a half? What would a search of the CEO’s publically available twitter feed reveal about his true feelings for squirrels and their contribution to his company?

@Dups Twitter Exhibit A

Exhibit A


@Dups Twitter Exhibit B

Exhibit B


@Dups Twitter Exhibit C

Exhibit C


@Dups Twitter Exhibit D

Exhibit D


@Dups Twitter Exhibit E

Exhibit E

While official outlets of information have been mostly quiet today, concerned shareholders and outspoken firebrands are voicing their support, on both sides of the dividing line.

Fray Close on Empire AvenueFray Close (e)POOKA, one of the first to catch one of (e)SQRL’s cagey cohorts, when asked about the dispute simply remarked, “I am Pro Squirrel.”

Close then turned and set off to tend to her flock of unicorns.

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must Watch this one carefully and keep a safe distance. She doesn’t seem right. In the head).

JOSH on Empire Avenue(e)JOSH, another of the more affluent members of Empire Avenue (as evidenced by his massive portfolio. And huge dividend), was a bit more vocal in his support of the squirrels’ plight and of (e)SQRL’s position in the dispute. As one would expect from the man who was the first Empire Avenue millionaire, he based his views on the economics of it all, observing,

“Have you seen what they pay him? It’s nuts! I will not stand for the exploitation of squirrel kind!”

He added loudly, “DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPS!!!!!!!!”

(Not entirely unrelated, somewhere off in the distance, a rooster crowed, a coyote howled, and a faint echo of “Seeeeeeeellllll (e)JOSH!!!!!” could be heard).

(e)JOSH later remarked,  “I tickled him until he peed on me.” The staff of THE INFLUENCIER are not certain if (e)JOSH was referring to (e)SQRL or (e)DUPS.

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must Watch this one carefully and keep a safe distance. He doesn’t seem right. In the head).

Lady Hardcore on Empire AvenueLadyHardcore (e)LDYHXC, known for her love of all furry animals (especially those species fond of bamboo), declared her support publicly, in the Squirrel Aficionados Community,

“I’m going to hug him and squeeze him and call him George!”
And, “…They’re so huggable!”

Privately, Lady Hardcore expanded on her feelings about the squirrel infestation to THE INFLUENCIER sharing,

“I am definitely pro squirrel. I want the squirrels to take over the site, and then the entire internet.”

She then cackled, “MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!”

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must watch that one carefully and keep a safe distance. She doesn’t seem right, in the head.)

Others were not as supportive of Sir Esquirel and his misguided mob of mischievous mouse-mongrels. Cal-Berkley Grad and Member of the Chickasaw Nation, Adriel Hampton (e)ADRIEL voiced his opinion, reasoning,

“Squirrels are cute and all, but pretty much vermin. Best keep ’em working….”

(e)ADRIEL then went on to ask,

“Hey, I just resuscitated my Facebook page. Could you friend me? Here’s the link: http://bit.ly/hesbaaaaack”

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must watch that one carefully and keep a safe distance. He doesn’t seem right, in the head.)

Paul Romanelli (e)RMN was more… passionate… in his disapproval of the deeds done by ruddy rodent Rudiger Esquirel. Taking to the interwebs, (e)RMN posted an ultimatum to (e)SQRL, threatening to unleash the fury of a “super secret SUPER SQUIRREL” upon (e)SQRL if he did not return to work immediately. According to the post, the “super secret SUPER SQUIRREL” has an appetite for other squirrels.

Continuing to sling threats of gastronomic delight, Romanelli later tweeted,

“Looks like squirrel stew is on the menu for dinner tonight.”
And, “Back to make minced meat out of (e)sqrl”

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must watch that one carefully and keep a safe distance. He doesn’t seem right, in the head.)


Speaking of threats of gastronomic delight, Mario Hipol (e)LAUGH, resident of the top spot on the Earnings Leaderboards as of late, also weighed in on the controversy, by suggesting to the twitterverse a Pro-Management Menu for one’s dining pleasure.

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must watch that one carefully and keep a safe distance. He doesn’t seem right, in the head.)

The animal kingdom, too, has taken note of the troubles in Edmonton. To get a wholly different perspective on rodent rights in the workplace, THE INFLUENCIER contacted twitter celebrity and squirrel-human relations specialist @Common_Squirrel. When asked what other squirrels throughout the world thought of the contention in Canada, @Common_Squirrel replied,

“Stare. Blink. Sniff. Sniff. Blink. Blink. Stare.”

(EDITOR’S NOTE TO SELF: Must Watch this one carefully and keep a safe distance. He… er… she… um… It doesn’t seem right. In the head).

More to come as events unfold.

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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

EleanorTicker: August 8, 2010 at 12:56 am

Oh – This totally just made my night. Good laugh.

You’re right, I’m not right in the head – but I’m pretty sure you don’t want to keep your distance. 😉

Allie WojtaszekTicker: August 8, 2010 at 2:22 pm

So Awesome.

But one question… really, is anyone on #EAv “right” in the head? 😉

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