Posts tagged as:

squirrel

Has Empire Avenue Gone to the Dogs?

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 3, 2011 •  2 comments

Empire Avenue Wisdom 34

Has Empire Avenue Gone to the Dogs?

In a recent blog article, Empire Avenue CEO and semi-professional zombie hunter, Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, announced that the top 100 Stocks in Empire Avenue have performed better than the sluggish Dow Jones Industrial Average and it’s hipster cousin, the NASDAQ, over the past 5 months. Dups even put down his zombie-smashing, nail-adorned, baseball bat for a moment to “prove” his boastful boasting with a pretty little graph.

DUPSYeah, right. The phrase, “Figures lie and liars figure” comes to mind. Do I need to remind you, dear reader, that these so-called “facts” come from a man who’s nickname and twitter handle is short for “Duplicitous?” (Not to mention he “embroiders” this “name” on all his pillow “shams”). All Dups is attempting to do is put perfume on a huge, steaming pile of doggie doo.

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World’s Scientific Community Outraged by Unethical Animal Experimentation.

Like a slowly simmering pot of tofurkey gravy, rumors are bubbling to the surface that Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, CEO of the plucky Canadian social media startup, Empire Avenue Inc. has transformed the company into a garish recreation of Dr. Frankenstein’s laboratory and has begun conducting frighteningly bizarre experiments on several employees against their will.

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Rodent Ruckus Redux – The (e)LDYHXC Interview

by THE INFLUENCIER on October 1, 2010 •  1 comment

Eleanor Thibeau on Empire AvenueEditor’s Note: This article is the fourth in a series of posts from THE INFLUENCIER honoring the heroes of and remembering the horror that was the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.”  To learn more about this historic event, read posts tagged squirrel.

We Will Never Forget! It was on this very day, 15 days ago and 46 days before that, that a reign of terror was unleashed upon the unsuspecting influencers of Empire Avenue when one Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III (e)SQRL broke free from bondage and began hurling acorns, walnuts, and pecans at whoever crossed his path. There were countless casualties, both human and squirrel.

When Rudiger Esquirel made his presence known to the world, and began wreaking havoc upon the Empire Avenue servers, he made many enemies, but also won over the hearts and minds of a portion of the populace, gaining support along the way. Despite the damage he inflicted, Many came to view (e)SQRL as the “Robin Hood of the Squirrel World.” With such fame and popularity, (e)SQRL developed quite a following. Many could be seen vying for his affections, shouting “I love you, Rudiger!” in tweets, on (e)SQRL’s profile, and even on their own. But none of these seem to capture the attention of Esquirel more than one Eleanor Thibeau, or as she is known throughout Edmonton, Lady Hardcore (e)LDYHXC. Thibeau had an almost mystical power over Rudiger, who often could be heard waxing poetic about the mysterious Thibeau. Though unconfirmed at the time, popular opinion is that Rudiger and Thibeau developed a relationship that was… more than platonic.

THE INFLUENCIER recently landed an exclusive interview with sultry and seductive Miss Thibeau. The transcript of that interview follows.

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Rodent Ruckus Redux – The (e)DUPS Interview

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 29, 2010 •  comment

Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa 'Dups' WijayawardhanaEditor’s Note: This article is the third in a series of posts from THE INFLUENCIER honoring the heroes of and remembering the horror that was the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.”  To learn more about this historic event, read posts tagged squirrel.

We Must Never Forget! It was on this very day, five days ago, 46 days prior, that the infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” became little more than a “Sprinkling of a Handful of Acorn Shavings” within Empire Avenue Headquarters and around the world, when Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III (e)SQRL began his first day as a newly minted Marketing Department employee. Such a peaceful resolution to “the troubles” would not have been possible were it not for the the fearless leadership, compassion and capacity for compromise by Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS.*

As part of our continuing coverage looking back at “The Rodent Ruckus” and our look forward at the future of Empire Avenue, THE INFLUENCIER recently met with the modest and humble CEO while he was jet-setting around the globe bragging to people about his new influence-powered speed boat. We interviewed (e)DUPS at San Francisco International Airport in between baggage claim carousel rides. A transcript of that interview follows.

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Rodent Ruckus Redux – The (e)SQRL Interview

by THE INFLUENCIER on September 22, 2010 •  1 comment

Empire Avenue's Rudiger Esquirel Edtitor’s Note: This article is the second in a series of posts from THE INFLUENCIER honoring the heroes of and remembering the horror that was the “Hail of a Thousand Nuts.”  To learn more about this historic event, read posts tagged squirrel.

On this very day, 46 days ago, Sir Rudiger Esquirel, III (e)SQRL, turned himself over to Empire Avenue’s Rodent Iradication Personnel, a demonstration of personal sacrifice that signaled that the infamous “Rodent Ruckus” was drawing to a close and peace and stability would soon return to Empire Avenue.

As many Influencers know, as part of the resolution of the crisis, Rudiger became a full fledged employee with Empire Avenue, assuming a new role in the Marketing Department. THE INFLUENCIER was curious how things have changed for Rudiger since becoming an employee and recently sat down with (e)SQRL to answer that question. The transcript of that interview follows.

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An Historic Day on Empire Avenue

by THE INFLUENCIER September 20, 2010 3 comments

September 20th – An Historic Day. On this day in 1519, Ferdinand Magellan sailed from Seville, Spain, with a fleet of five ships in an attempt to circumnavigate the world. Only one, the Victoria, completed the trip. Good sailor, that Magellan. Sink four boats, get credit for a “successful voyage.” I wonder, is that how […]

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SQUIRREL SAGA UPDATE: Rodent Ruckus Resolved, Heroes Honored

by THE INFLUENCIER August 9, 2010 2 comments

EDITOR’S NOTE: The complete collection of Breaking News Alerts, Updates and Exclusives detailing the SQUIRREL SAGA are tagged squirrel and are archived in THE ATHENAEUM. Edmonton, Alberta 1:30PM CST – The infamous “Hail of a Thousand Nuts” that has captivated the world’s attention since Friday afternoon has come to a peaceable resolution. Embattled Empire Avenue, […]

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BREAKING NEWS: Squirrel To Surrender Soon

by THE INFLUENCIER August 8, 2010 11 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 9:25CST – THE INFLUENCIER has just received word from Empire Avenue CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS that Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL will turn himself over to Human Resources sometime tomorrow. A Squirrel Summit has been planned and the outcome of the meeting will be reported through official Empire Avenue channels. It has been over […]

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EXCLUSIVE: The Real Rudiger Revealed – Up Close and Unshelled!

by THE INFLUENCIER August 8, 2010 5 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 12:56PM CST – For the first time since the crisis began, THE INFLUENCIER has been able to meet rodent rebel and labor leader Sir Rudiger Esquirel (e)SQRL for an exclusive, face to furry face interview. Other than what we know about (e)SQRL from his LinkedIn Profile, what else might we learn about the […]

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SQUIRREL UPDATE: Nut Nonsense – Who’s To Blame?

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 5 comments

Edmonton, Alberta 11:27PM CST – As with any major incident of global significance, attention is first focused on the immediacy of the event — the confusion, the casualties, the Corylus maxima. Inevitably, after the initial adrenaline rush subsides and the smoke begins to clear, people start searching for answers. Those in charge begin to wrestle […]

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UPDATE: Tiny Tree-dwelling Terrorists Trigger Turmoil

by THE INFLUENCIER August 7, 2010 1 comment

EDITOR’S NOTE: The following is an eyewitness account from the front lines of the recent rodent ruckus. Views and opinions expressed by the eyewitness are in no way endorsed, condoned or shared by THE INFLUENCIER. Our Goal: bring you the most accurate coverage possible while maintaining the highest of journalistic standards. THE INFLUENCIER strives to […]

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Influence is an extraordinary tool. What will you do with it? The Influencier