If you hadn’t noticed, you can now buy shares of Empire Avenue Employees with your hard earned eaves. Prior to today, these so-called “E-Class” stocks were unavailable for purchase, although one could easily lose him or herself for hours merely by gazing at their enchanting E-Shields and provocative profile pictures. Especially, if one were gazing into the sensusous, sultry eyes of VP of Marketing and Media Relations Tom Ohle (e)TOM, or as he prefers to be known, while strolling barefoot on white sand beaches on moonlit nights, HotTom….
Huh, what? Sorry. Lost my train of thought. Where was I?
Now, If you read the latest Empire Avenue blog post by CEO Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS, you are lead to believe that the reason that stocks of Empire Avenue Employees were not available before and are now, is because, as (e)DUPS stated, they didn’t want to interfere with the markets. Or more specifically,
“We certainly didn’t want to dominate the leaderboards.”
Hear that, Chris Latko (e)CLATKO and Adriel Hampton (e)ADRIEL? Sounds like (e)DUPS is lookin’ to pick a fight.
A thoughtful analysis and discussion of possible reasons behind the release of Empire Avenue Employee shares is going on over at perennial share price leaderboard resident and duct tape enthusiast William Pitcher’s (e)RZR Empire Building Network blog. Perusing the comments there, you might begin to think that, as Social-branding Guru Corey Tyhurst (e)COREYT offers, the Empire Avenue team is merely trying to find solutions to various kinks in Empire Avenue market dynamics by doing some real-world, in-the-trenches, so-this-is-how-the-common-folk-live, hands-on testing. And it is true, there is no substitute for that kind of get-your-hands-dirty, kick-the-tires, i-can’t-believe-i’m-driving-this-honda-because-my-other-car-is-a-yacht kind of test drive when you are bringing a complex piece of beta software to market. Any CEO worth their salt will tell you that.
However, THE INFLUENCIER and it’s crack team of investigative reporters have uncovered the truth behind the Empire Avenue Employee IPO’s and it isn’t pretty. That’s right. We’ve been lied to. Again.
The Real Reasons Behind the Empire Avenue Employee IPOs
1. VP of Marketing & Media Relations and Forearm Tattoo Model Tom Ohle (e)TOM was jealous of all of the attention (e)SQRL was getting from the “I Love You Rudiger” Achievement. HotTom was overheard bragging, “Who’s a fast rising stock now, huh, Rudiger?”
2. Director of Digital Alchemy and professional kitchen remodeler Aaron White (e)BIGA heard that (e)SEARS would be offering the Dacor Millenia 36″ Electric Glide Cooktop as an Avenue Reward in exchange for 1,000 eaves.
3. Fleet Commander of the Empire Avenue Social Media Armada Brad Grier (e)GRIER needed more eaves for upgrades so that he could meet the minimum share purchase requirements for joining *insert name-of-whichever-devious-group-buying-price-manipulating-dividend-exploiting-conspiratorial-secret-community-you-despise-the-most-this-week here*
4. Digital Engineering Architect & Release Wrangler and only person I know with a 7-letter ticker Nial Brown (e)TINMILK wanted to create his own Empire Avenue version of Pokemon. Now he owns them all. *
5. Social Engineering Architect Ray Lambe (e)RJL wanted to go after the window-shopper secret achievement. By the way, word of advice, I’d be cautious about giving this guy any of your personal information. Just sayin.
6. Elevator Mogul and Empire Avenue Chief Operating Officer Robert Kallir (e)KALLIR need eaves to purchase his fifth Avenue Reward from CreamJunkie (e)JUNKIE. Word is the man is addicted to the Cocoa Butter Lip Balm.
7. Empire Avenue Advertising and Partner Relations Dude Ric Williams (e)RICEAV needed eaves to buy new pants.
8. VP of Research & Analytics and director of big-screen bank-heist blockbuster HEAT, Michael Mannion (e)MIKEM needed more eaves to finance his next movie. **
9. VP of Research and Sadistic Algorithm Architect Nithum Thain (e)NITH wanted to be able to enter (e)SLEEP’s contest and become “King of da Cave.”
10. Official Empire Avenue Spokesstock (e)EAV and author of “Zen and the Art of Stock Trading” simply wanted to demonstrate the concept of “meta” ***
11. Empire Avenue CEO and Ornithology Hobbyist Duleepa Wijayawardhana (e)DUPS wanted to sell (e)JOSH.
Now, about number 11. I know what you’re thinking — “But the Empire Avenue Blog said Empire Avenue Employees weren’t allowed to buy stocks of anyone other than Empire Avenue Employees.” Yep. That’s right. They’re not allowed to BUY stocks of other influencers. But (e)DUPS didn’t say anything about not being able to SELL stocks of other influencers. And if you want to make a fortune on Empire Avenue, everyone knows the best way to do that is to sell (e)JOSH ****
* Credit goes to Improv Comedy Duo and Tag Team Wrestling Champions Luke Nyland (e)LLAMA and Claire McGonigal (e)CMCG for the Pokemon joke. You need these two influencers in your portfolio. [back to post]
*** Credit goes to Peter Dutton (e)PAD for the meta joke. Thanks, Peter! Buy (e)PAD [back to post]
**** And (e)POOKA. And (e)DARING. [back to post]