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UPDATE: Tiny Tree-dwelling Terrorists Trigger Turmoil

by THE INFLUENCIER on August 7, 2010 •  1 comment

Empire Avenue Squirrel SagaEDITOR’S NOTE: The following is an eyewitness account from the front lines of the recent rodent ruckus. Views and opinions expressed by the eyewitness are in no way endorsed, condoned or shared by THE INFLUENCIER. Our Goal: bring you the most accurate coverage possible while maintaining the highest of journalistic standards. THE INFLUENCIER strives to present a fair, balanced picture that relies on the facts, so that you, the reader, are well informed. We leave you to draw your own conclusions, based on those facts.


Edmonton, Alberta 6:57PM CST – Craig Miller, Special to the Influencier
“A few hours before the intense rodent-hunt began, I caught wind of some scratching on twitter, something about a rodent joining Empire Avenue. At that time, I thought nothing of it, brushed it off as just another novelty character. There are have been others who have signed up in the past – no big deal… Little did I know it was an inside job, an infiltration-extraordinaire! (or is that infestation??)”

“I heard squirrels were being held kept captive in (or near) the Empire Avenue server room, but that they escaped during a labor dispute with the management. Once loose, the squirrels seemed to troll around the server room, but from what (e)DUPS said they dove right into the heart of the website!”

“The Empire Avenue website is where I first saw him (or them?) with my own eyes. I was doing my daily portfolio review, and a little furry vermin started bouncing on the screen… At first I jumped! It quickly disappeared, and I shouted: “Not my nuts, oh no you don’t!”, as I locked my bag of peanuts in the basement… you know, just in case. Then I started furiously clicking around looking for the bushy-tailed bugger… I figured (e)DUPS would offer some reward for bagging the little nut thief, so I wanted to get right to it.”

“Let’s step back for a moment, and discuss the where I stand on the situation… In general I am a human-lover first, rodent lover, well… hmm, let’s say 17th. But in this case, I’m sure the rodents have a legitimate case! I’ve had dealings with (e)DUPS in the past, and there are many a Fluffy Bunny and/or Beaver that has caused ruckus with him (technology-wise) before. In my opinion, trouble with three (or more, who knows…) different species, just doesn’t sound like a coincidence! So this time, I’m on the side of the squirrels! Now, that being said, A reward is a reward – and I sure love my Eaves! So I decided to track him down.”

Empire Avenue Profile for Rudiger Esquirel“I was madly hunting for the varmint — clicking here, click there — and over the course of 10 minutes, I saw him on about 10 different pages, but couldn’t click fast enough to grab him. I thought I broke my mouse at one point as I slammed it down when I clicked a link right next to him! Then, after what seemed like an eternity, I grabbed that little furry deviant on his profile page where I was waiting for him… I figured he had to come home sometime to check on his own stash – you know, make sure no one took his nuts!”

“And that was that – well, at least I thought so at the time… I got my achievement, and reward. I started to breathe easy again, and went back to my portfolio review.”

“All of a sudden, the squirrel was back!! I was sure I had grabbed that wretched rodent back a few minutes earlier – did he escape from (e)DUPS clutches again? After a quick back-and-forth with (e)DUPS, I learned that there were indeed more than one, and they were multiplying at such a rate that the potential existed for them to overrun the site. (e)DUPS needed everyone to pitch in to catch them all… I could have screamed — and was fearful for my nuts (the ones in the basement).”

“I quickly spread word to the Empire Avenue twitterverse using the #EAv hashtag, that everyone needed to do their part to catch a squirrel. I then ran out to the hardware store to grab some gloves and a much bigger net, so I could be of even greater assistance in the rodent round-up efforts!”

THE INFLUENCIER extends its gratitude to (e)MILLER for his willingness to share this harrowing tale with our readers. If you’ve had an eyewitness encounter with  (e)SQRL, wish to share your opinion of the ongoing labor dispute, or have information pertaining to the current crisis, send a private message to (e)DARING on Empire Avenue, A direct message to @DougUpdates on twitter or use our Contact Form.

More to come as events unfold.

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