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Influencier Alert: (e)WRITER now in THE VAULT

by THE INFLUENCIER on July 31, 2010 •  7 comments

Empire Avenue Limited Edition 17,500th Share of WRITERTHE 17,500th Share of Brent Knowles (e)WRITER has been added to THE VAULT. The story of how THE INFLUENCIER acquired this exquisite limited edition share is quite the yarn, filled with drama & intrigue, heroes & villains, and action & adventure at every turn. It is a tale that begs the telling…

Chapter I:

IT WAS the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the season of Light, it was the season of (e)DARKness, it was the (e)SPRING of hope, it was the winter of despair, with the advent of DUBLIN we had everything before us, and with the rumors of ERINDALE, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.

There were a king with an affinity for cats and a queen with an affinity for unicorns, on the thrones of the Earnings Leaderboard; there were a king with a large list of feeds… Well, not so much a king, more a “driven leader with an eye for detail, the ability to know the times and envision the future, who is a Government 2.0 strategist, sustainability and green-tech advocate, Results-oriented analyst, Cal Berkeley grad, award-winning journalist, founder, co-producer & co-host at Government 2.0 Radio.” Oh, and he’s a Citizen of the Chickasaw Nation. And, I’m not sure, but he might be running for Congress. Um… Where was I?

Oh, right. There was a king with a large list of feeds and a queen with a fair face (I am of course using the acronym F-A-I-R, which as we all know stands for foxy, attractive, intoxicating, and radiant), on the thrones of the Share Price Leaderboard. It was the 31st of July in the year of Our Lord two thousand and ten. Put another way, that’s 2010 A.D. Or, if you prefer, 2010 C.E. Personally, I’m going with 2010 H.H.

(e)LORRAY, an employee of Tellson’s (e)BANK, was traveling from England to France by way of (e)EDMONton, Canada. (Editor’s note: Tellson’s is well known for their stellar APY Interest Rates* on their InterestPlus Online Savings and Checking Accounts. However, their foray into the Online Travel Agency business ended in disaster for obvious reasons.**).

Before crossing into (e)EDMONton, (e)LORRAY meets (e)LUCY at Dover, and reveals to her that her father, a (e)DOCTOR, is not dead, as she had been told; instead he has been held a prisoner in the Bastille for the last 18 years, and as become quite a talented, albeit somewhat obsessive, (e)SHOE maker.

Upon arriving in (e)EDMONton, (e)LUCY and (e)LORRAY meet Monsieur Miller and Mademoiselle Hardcore. The Monsieur and the Madame operate an Upscale Adult Toy & Home Party Business which they use to  lead a band of revolutionaries in secret. Since Mademoiselle Hardcore and her band of revolutionaries never discuss any of the secret things they discuss secretly in secret outside of their secret meetings where they secretly discuss all things secret (other than Panda Sex), this part of the story gets pretty boring. Let’s jump ahead. Shall we?

Chapter IV:

It is a period of (e)CIVILE war. Rebel fighters on (e)HORSEback, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the (e)EVIL Galactic Empire.During the battle, boys from the rebel faction managed to steal secret (e)PLANZ to the Empire’s ultimate weapon, the Death (e)STAR, an armored internet cafe with enough bandwidth to destroy an entire planet. Pursued by the Dark Lord’s sinister assassins (twenty-one gunslingers in all) the Princess races home aboard her starship, custodian of the Limited Edition Share of (e)WRITER that can save her people (and their benevolent ruler), restoring freedom to the (e)GALAXY…

Hold on a minute. I think the above might have been cribbed from a (e)COPY of the script of a (e)GEORGE (e)LUCAS (e)FILM. How about we skip to the end?

Chapter XI:

“Aye, fight and you may die, run and you’ll (e)LIVE… at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade shares ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our dividends, but they’ll never take our freedom… nor our LIMITED EDITION COLLECTOR’S SHARE OF (e)WRITER!!!”

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.



* APY in effect as of 7/23/2010 1.35% APY applies if you maintain an account balance of $1,000–$9,999.99, $10,000–$99,999.99, $100,000 or more, or if you own shares of (e)JOSH. If you do own shares of (e)JOSH you should sell them. Rates are variable and calculated by seven hamsters running in hamster wheels. The hamsters and their wheels are connected in a series to a 9-volt battery, a blue LED, and equipment we are only permitted to refer to as “a piece of wreckage from a weather balloon we found near Roswell, New Mexico” which we keep in our basement. Interestingly, the “wreckage” glows, vibrates, and emits gamma radiation during periods when the sun experiences increased Solar Flare activity. Ooops. We’ve said too much. Minimum deposit required to open the account is $2,500, unless you own a (e)LLAMA, in which case Tellson’s will offer you the job of (e)BANK President. Withdrawals are by electronic transfer only, to a Tellson’s branded ATM, of which there is only one, and it is hidden at an undisclosed location and is guarded by a laser-guided attack  (e)MONKEY. If you actually discover the whereabouts of our ATM, overpower the (e)MONKEY and attempt to withdraw any of your money from your account, we will kill you. Really. We’ll kill you. Don’t withdraw your money. We know a guy who “knows a guy.” Each quarterly bonus will be equal to 10% of the interest earned on this account in the previous quarter. In order to be eligible to receive this bonus, your InterestPlus Online Savings account must be open, you must either maintain an average monthly balance of at least $15,000 in this account every month during the previous quarter, and you must (e)DANCE a jig in downtown New York City, 34th Street to be exact, with a (e)BANANA in your ear, at least once a year, preferably under a full (e)MOON. The bonus will be paid to your InterestPlus Online Savings account within 4-8 weeks after the end of each quarter and will be reflected on your periodic statement. This account offers electronic statements only. Terms and conditions of this offer may change at any time. Offer does not include Unicorn Encrusted Commemorative Plates. Nor (e)LLAMAs. We may throw you a (e)TOASTer. If we’re feeling generous. Or if it’s Wednesday. Member FDIC. Back to Story.

** For starters, they didn’t own a (e)MAP of Europe. Or any other (e)MAPS for that matter. Back to Story.

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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Adriel HamponTicker: July 31, 2010 at 9:45 pm

Doug, your tales make me so happy. And WRITER is so important to this Empire, which I retreated to upon my devastating loss in the race for Congress in the mythic land known as the San Francisco Bay Area.

THE INFLUENCIERTicker: July 31, 2010 at 9:50 pm

Hey thanks, Adriel! So you did run. Very cool. Sorry to hear you lost. Maybe the time wasn’t right. Any plans to run again?

Luke NylandTicker: August 2, 2010 at 8:13 am

What a bloody good post! A joy to read! Full of thrills and spills, I feel it reaches a broad audience, have you considered making it a movie?

Also, thanks for the mention. You’ve helped me along one more step to spreading the llamatastic goodness to the masses and I salute you for it!

THE INFLUENCIERTicker: August 2, 2010 at 8:17 am

If there’s ever anything I can do to help spread llamatastic goodness to the masses, just ask!

KasiaTicker: August 2, 2010 at 10:32 am

This was brilliant! Someday I hope to be in one of your tales, just to say it happened.

THE INFLUENCIERTicker: August 2, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Kasia – the desire to be in one of my tales, just for the sake of being able to say it happened, is the most noblest of all reasons to appear in an INFLUENCIER rambling. Consider it done and stay tuned!

GenoskillTicker: August 5, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Tip #1

Never buy expensive shares (30 eaves or more)

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Influence is an extraordinary tool. What will you do with it? The Influencier